When It Finally Hits You That You’re Leaving Everything Behind, And Looking Forward

“…Hey uh it’s me. I know you leave in 10 days but I just had to tell you that maybe I messed up. The thought of you leaving sucks. Can’t we just pretend and go back? Anyways call me if you want to spend some time with me. I think I’d regret not seeing you.” Beep.

There it was. I knew it was coming. As soon as I started tell everyone I was leaving and not just for vacation, was when the skeletons were going to start crawling out of the closet. The funny thing was that he and my best friend were the first two people I told. So instead of being an adult he broke up with me. No he went full out crazy on me. So I left it. I walked away. I met new people and spent time with old friends. I made time for the people who matter.

So why now? Why is it that people come out of hiding in the final hours before you go? I have a few theories. One, it’s plain and simple, goodbye sex. Think about how easy it is to hook up with someone who’s leaving. It’s pretty obvious that it would be hard to have any strings attached when someone moves to another country. It’s a last ditch effort to bang the person you’ve been thinking about banging for the last few months without any chance of them becoming clingy. I mean hey they’re on the other side of the world after all.

Two; the confession. You know the people in your life you just kinda thought would always be around? The ones you spend a lot of time with but they’re really nothing but your friend? Well when that person decides to leave it stirs up some feelings inside of you. Feelings you weren’t even aware were there at first. The thought of not seeing that person feels weird. You need to tell them how much they mean to you even though you’re not actually sure what you feel. It doesn’t mean you’re in love with them but you need the person leaving to know that you care SO much about them.

Three; pure feelings. Ugh this one. This one is the one that crushes everything. This is the one that makes the romanticizing about leaving a cold hard reality. It’s like my second theory but on steroids. The thought of not being around that person as much as possible leaves you feeling destroyed. If you had just got your shit together earlier then maybe this person wouldn’t be leaving. Maybe they’d stay and let you be the person they wake up too every morning. Maybe just maybe, they’re feeling the same way.

As a person who’s leaving I can tell you that the first two theories have been actual realities for me. The guy who left me the voicemail was looking for goodbye sex but mixed it in with the confession. While he was and is an alright guy, it was easy to press 7 and delete the message for forever.

Since deciding to move people have all reacted differently. I’ve gotten last requests for a quick roll in the hay, the confession of feelings, anger, sadness, worry etc. But the thing is that I’ve felt all of those same feelings. Where some people only have to direct them at me, I have to direct them at multiple people. I’ve been trying to figure out my feelings for weeks now. I’ve been trying to sort through what’s real and what’s just the feelings of leaving.

I decided that I needed to pull theory number 3. I needed to give it one last effort to reach out to the person who literally could stop my world in a heartbeat. He did me the biggest favor anyone could have done; he said nothing. He didn’t reply. And while in most of the sense of the word it sucks, he saved me from myself.

Leaving is hard for everyone involved. There is no easy way to move on and let go in order to grow but you have to do it. Eventually you get to a point in your life where you have to either take two steps forward or two steps back. While looking back seems easy, looking forward has the clean slate feeling. And that feeling is just the beginning.

Alex BrownComment